I’ve always been the first to say to my boyfriend that I don’t really do in expectations. I hope, I dream, I fear, but I rarely expect. This is always particularly frustrating to people who ask me how I think I did on exams or anything, because I simply refuse to say if I think I passed or not. This is largely due to the fear that if I expect that I passed an exam, and I tell everyone that I think I passed, the shame of not having passed that exam is almost unbearable to me.

My boyfriend has been very frustrated the past half year or so, because he had expected something from life and it didn’t happen for him. I am among the first to say that if you expect something from life, it is bound to be taken from you or not given to you. So I try not to expect anything from life, to be happy with what is given to me and what I achieve.

But this morning I found out that I did have an expectation about life.

I expected that if I just studied hard enough, I could get a good degree and a good job and I could be a normal part of society and could contribute to it.

The realization that that expectation can never be completely fulfilled didn’t hit me until this morning, don’t ask me why.
The part that I will never be able to fulfill, is that I will never be a normal part of society. That expectation was taken away from me at the end of 2012 when I got my diagnosis of being Autistic. At the time I was merely relieved: There was a reason why I was different, why I was always bullied in primary school and secondary school, why I was having trouble having and keeping friends. There are without a doubt perks to being Autistic: I can be highly focused on something, I can be incredibly interested in something and delve into the depths of it. But there is one thing that I will never be: I will never be normal.

And the person who is going to say that ‘nobody is normal’ can find a fist in his or her (I have no trouble being violent to any gender, though I do prefer to settle things in a different way) face. All my life all I’ve wanted was to be normal, to fit in, to be a part of the society. All my life I’ve never felt any of that. Only in recent years when I started finding people and places that gave me the feeling that I belonged somewhere and with someone, who gave me the feeling that I’m good the way that I am, have I felt moments of that normalness, of fitting in, of being a part of something. To those people and those places I am incredibly grateful that they exist. But if you don’t have a diagnosis, official or not, you will never ever understand what it is to feel so out of place that you feel like your entire existence is a burden to the people around you, to those who do accept you, because you feel that forever they will be burdened with the association of you. For the rest of my life I am going to need help and understanding of the people around me, just to get through the days. I expected to not have to need that until I was old and had given my share to society.

So to those who do not have a diagnosis, official or no, be thankful of your lucky stars that you can simply be, that you never have to think extra thoughts of how to make things easier on yourself or the people around you, on how you can make yourself understand, of how you have to communicate that you need help, or the kind of help that you need. Maybe give an extra smile to the people around you, because you never know who has a diagnosis and could do with the extra kindness.